I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
