You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can't put those talents on a resume
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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