just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
