So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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