I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
