i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
