Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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