so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
