Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
