I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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