This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
