I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
