I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
that is very illegal...i love you.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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