I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
