My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
