Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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