I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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