Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap