Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms