If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
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Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
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Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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