happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire