You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
