I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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