I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
