One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
