I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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