my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
