Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
