how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
