so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
