i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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