I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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