I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
