i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
