just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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