It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
