I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
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I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
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