That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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