I feel like I'm in dance class right now
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
