I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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