I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
