You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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