I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
