her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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