Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
