i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
