i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
