watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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