Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
