just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
