I met the friendliest cop last night
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
