it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
being pregnant is like rehab
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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