Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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