Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
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i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
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I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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