Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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