Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
