You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
