Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
That's when you crack a 10am beer
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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