I am in a vortex of obligation.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
