I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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